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Tuesday, May 25th, 2004
11:16 pm - sooo......yeah
remember when i decided i was going to do life better....

so yeah im going to get a job and its going to suck like all jobs do, but im going to smile and do it well and get through it and fucking walk away counting all my money. and while we are on that subject of money, im going to FINALLY buy a surfboard im tired of renting or borrowing ive wasted hundreds of dollars so yeah im buying one. and while im at it im going to get amazing clothes and make shit on my own that will be great and good fun. and im going to start walking my dog b/c he deserves that. oh yeah and im going to start running and following the workout that im supposed to be doing for my college soccer team b/c i should and i want to be nasty. and no more fucking around at home, there is a god damn life out there to live and i need to go fucking live it. so yeah, i need to call those people i think about and dont call!!! and another part of this means doing well in school i mean im doing decent but i want to do great b/c i want a future that is different from the standard path.

b/c i swear to god if i put in the slightest amount of effort i could blow the life of my old self out of the fucking water.

oh yeah and one other thing....i dont talk to boys anymore, b/c i am fucked up and i shouldn't make them be that too.

4 ! back again?!?!

Thursday, April 1st, 2004
3:04 am - Shelter from the Storm
It was one of those days where by the end I knew it was great and that everything was going to be OK...

skipped class, studied, showered, test taking, walking with smoking strangers, looking at him and thinking that it really isn't what i want although a piece of me always will, cursed the HALO effect, watched tennis, went to dinner, went to second dinner with caits mom and all, solidified rooming for next year, talked to mom, talked to him and thought and thought some more, watched real sex with funny accented japanese orgasms, watched porn with stoned drunken people while sober, walked back to room realizing it was already 3 am, dreams about tomorrow night's adventures

2 ! back again?!?!

Friday, February 20th, 2004
3:10 am - come pick me up, take me out, fuck me up, steal all my records, screw all of my friends
remember remember to put it all in perspective.

you couldn't expect him to throw it all away after 5 days and an hour...it can work, he can pull through, she could pull back, you could pull ahead

remember remember to put it all in perspective.

one boy loves me, fucking fuck, WHY, i didn't ask for it, i didn't want it, i guess i kind of acted for it, but he was never supposed to ACTUALLY care didn't he know that, don't they ALL know that

its always the ones you dont want that pull through and the ones you do never seem to make it...

oh wait im forgetting my mantra...

remember remember to put it all in perspective.

whoever gave an emotional girl the power to drink and than talk to boys made a big mistake.

1 ! back again?!?!

Monday, January 26th, 2004
1:55 pm - let's do some living after we die
i am soo bored with myself, every morning wake up (oh YOU again?!!?) except without the exclamation points because thats excitement...

i can't wait to move to the city, thats all i wanted from the beginning

boys confuse me, i hate myself for feeling the way i do...whats wrong with me??? why can i not love a good man??? why in the depths of my heart do i want him???

im so sick of myself im naseous....and im such an idiot lately that i spelled that wrong for sure.

hopefully this new semester will give me something that i need

6 ! back again?!?!

Wednesday, December 10th, 2003
8:22 pm - i like the way you move!!!
my own personal happiness is truly happy to obtain...my philosophy is this simple...do stuff

because honestly if i have to listen to one more lame teenage angst ridden story about how hard their life is from anyone im going to fucking snap. GET THE FUCK OVER IT!!! people live in conditions unimaginable to me and you and they still manage to fucking smile, so fucking get over your bad self and move the fuck on. pant, pant...

it really sucks that _____ had to turn out the way it did, sad to watch that show all over again, sigh, it was soooo a repeat, next please?

i wish i didn't have to go back, this is my home now...im soooo happy here...fucking break

in case you cant tell im in an oddly angry/happy mood

4 ! back again?!?!

Sunday, October 19th, 2003
2:46 pm - how could i have ever lost you
I'm such a NY slut...

Spending the night in Penn station next weekend, leaving for a protest in DC at some wicked early hour.

Russ sent me a package in the mail. It was perfect, everything was perfect, he is perfect. And somehow it just made everything more painful...everything being the distance and the time.

Strange to think I'll come back home in a month and so much will be the same and I will have changed. And it won't be them it will be me. Will anything ever be the same? Remember, Remember CHANGE IS GOOD. It's the little ones that hurt the most.

7 ! back again?!?!

Tuesday, October 7th, 2003
10:12 pm - the beat goes on...
college is supposed to be thrilling, but it really is just another stage in your life. a good stage but just another one.

living by NYC is amazing, a whole new world is opened up...
1. Europe is 3000 miles closer and hundred of dollars cheaper to get to
2. theater and museums
3. the men "oh my god" the men
4. the feeling that i am single in the city...that much closer to the Sex and the City lifestyle
5. Red Sox vs Yankee rivalries
6. trains, subways, taxis, buses
7. looking up and seeing hundred of story buildings stretching for blocks and blocks
8. having the goal of living on the Upper West Side

(sigh) i think i'm in love.

current mood: creative

6 ! back again?!?!

Saturday, September 13th, 2003
2:42 am - here we are again, right where we began
college (in general)- its what i expected it to be, its only two weeks so i definetly do not consider myself to be in the swing of it all quite yet.

dorm room- its darling, plus there are no parents within a 3000 mile radius

classes- on subjects you actually enjoy, well sort of...and professors that are intelligent, functioning humans....LOVELY

new people- meet them everyday, kim my next door neighbor from boston, kate the beautiful eco girl across the hall, my roomie/friend who happens to share my name, those pretty pretty boys across the hall, all the italian guys named vinnie and joey, everyone on our floor, the drunk girls that are drunk EVERY SINGLE NIGHT, and who can forget the crazy anarchist who doesn't wear shoes

sleeping patterns- to bed at 3, seven days a week, wake up at whatever time necessary

new job- for not wanting a job at all, it is really easy...i mean how many people come in for ice cream when its raining and cold out in jersey???

ny, ny- can't wait to go visit on sunday, its going to be the beginning of a beautiful friendship

phone- 973-408-4579

can we really forget the boys...god knows i miss russ, but i know that a relationship across the country just wouldn't work. i think he knows taht too. most of the girls i know have boyfriends back at home but at least with them its like i can see you on the weekends iwth me its like i can see you in a few months. and the thing that i think matters the most is that its not one year, its four. ok ok so enough about the old that continues to break my heart. there are many cute boys here, although a lot of them i am forced to put in the ass category because of their drunken behavior...but there is one boy and my god every time he walks by birds begin to sing. he's tall and unusually attractive and he looks at me too, so maybe if i can actually have a conversation with him (i did have one when he carried my printer for me to my room, it wasn't romantic...he was a volunteer) than i might find myself a boy. thats that.

4 ! back again?!?!

Sunday, December 1st, 2002
10:49 pm - so that you'll understand
but who am i kidding, its never going to happen just like a real fucking relationship never will...i can think of only one guy that i find to be an interesting person with a mind, and that is NOT going to happen.

i always think college is going to change "this" but really i don't think it will. because i am starting to think that i am not bored with just my life but also with myself. i sleep out of purely not caring to be awake.

all i remember about thanksgiving was that my foreign exchange student took an excessive amount of pictures, it was cute in an annoying way...if thats even possible.

3 ! back again?!?!

Tuesday, November 19th, 2002
10:21 pm - why don't you show up and make it all right???
i cannot wait for college. oh wow, i cannot wait...its the little freedoms that i will relish the most. i can't wait to be able to just leave whenever the hell i fell like it, with the only one to answer to is myself.

i know that parents don't want their kids to get drunk, stay out too late, and have sex...its understandable. but it is so pointless for them to attempt to control their practically adult children. wow, i am going to be gone in 8 or so months and yet you still give me early curfews and little crap about EVERYTHING!!!
sidenote: my parents didn't do anything to trigger this, its more the fact that i am bored out of my mind, and i know i can't go anywhere...

i need fucking conversation makers.

4 ! back again?!?!

Tuesday, November 12th, 2002
9:31 am - i am not like that!!!
[four places to go in your area]
1. other peoples houses
2. skyline
3. birch...but that doesnt mean i like it
4. del taco

[four things to do when you're bored]
1. sleep
2. watch tv
3. dance in the mirror
4. take a shower

[four things that never fail to cheer you up]
1. diet dr pepper
2. friends
3. people dumber than me
4. music!!!

[four things you can't live without]
1. my pillows/bed
2. mixed cds
3. locks on doors
4. friends

[seven things you love]
1. crushes
2. playing soccer
3. crazy arabs on cell phones
4. luxury cars
5. parties
6. books
7. being online

[seven things you hate]
1. awkwardness
2. grades
3. nerds that don't think they are nerds
4. consequences
5. bitchy people
6. being sad
7. fat joe that rapper

[six celebrities you would have sex with]
1. jude law
2. ethan hawke
3. edward norton
4. eminem
5. mr sawaya
6. shakespeare

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Wednesday, November 6th, 2002
11:07 pm - i am the man you thought i'd never be
i wish i could freeze time, and i promise not to use it for bad... i would use it to steal from the rich and give to the poor and tak naps only that.

i like the plans for the weekend already, i hate school more and more each day.

i am jealous of all those who drove off to san diego, not just because they get to see eminem before i do but also because i know they are not studying for econ...

i hate that i sit waiting for something to happen, just go and do it already! but i don't want rejection, i don't, i don't, i don't...

3 ! back again?!?!

Tuesday, October 22nd, 2002
10:39 pm - and bobby baby kept me from the cruel world
thinking about how much time i spend in school and doing schoolwork makes me sick...

today the amnesty meeting was not a complete disaster, it could've been worse...for example the er, TITANIC.

i hate couples. all couples, no exceptions. i walked through school today and every single person around me was attached to some other person; hugging, holding, sitting on. blargh, i stay busy enough to not think about being lonely, but than every couple has to be a constant reminder with their little kisses in the halls. fuck you and fuck your l.o.v.e.

current mood: jealous

2 ! back again?!?!

Thursday, October 17th, 2002
9:29 pm - don't question
tommorow i head off to texas, ugh of all the places to be leaving to. the last time i got on a plane it was to Spain...its going to be hard to top. *i can't deal with my texas relatives we are definetly the intellectual black sheep of that side of the family*

i mean today i looked down on my floor and my thong was lying on top of my shakespeare collection. funny to think that my underwear is able to lay on top of some of the most brilliant works written. my texas relatives NEVER HAVE AND NEVER WILL have their underwear on top of shakespeare. have fun in san francisco rae...looks like we skipped out of the hc thing...

"Such wanton, wild, and usual slips as are the companions noted and most known to youth and liberty" - theres some more shakespeare for you

2 ! back again?!?!

Thursday, October 10th, 2002
10:11 pm - what would you care if you lost the other?
jeremey smith: "do you have scholarships based on race?"
lindsay theel: "don't send them a picture."
-8% native american (the boy is blond and blue eyed!) and he wants a scholarship! i am 25% spanish but you don't hear me wanting to be LATINO.

i wish that my parents were not quite as intelligent as they are. 1) i could trick them easier. 2) i wouldn't have to talk about post-modernism at the dinner table.

craziest dreams ever today...lets just say they had a "dog-show" at my school and all these rich stuck-upus brought there fluorescent pink and blue dogs. i accidentally took the wrong car...and than it turned into leanna flecky's car. and at one point i was screaming "i don't want my life to be that!!!! i want to change!!!!" juan was there as always, a symbol of sex....interesting.

2 ! back again?!?!

Thursday, September 19th, 2002
10:49 pm - i am not satisfied.
i want too much.

6 ! back again?!?!

Wednesday, September 18th, 2002
4:30 pm - so shoot me.
sometimes when you parents tell you something, you should really, really listen. for instance, when my mom said "the tile guy is coming on the 18th." i should have listened. instead i choose to arrive home from school, not understanding why my entire kitchen was demolished.

club rush= sun on my back and soccer= i smell like shit

i have internship 2:30-5 on Monday and Friday. I know you probably look at that, and think Friday is she CRAZY! yes, that is exactly it, you are completely right i am insane. i really think school would be a cool thing if it weren't for tests, i am telling you its popularity would SKYROCKET if they just stopped with them.

i took a nap, i needed a longer one.

3 ! back again?!?!

Tuesday, September 17th, 2002
8:21 pm - you know that feeling in your stomach...when you really really like someone?
la la la...i am HAPP-HAPP-HAPPY

today was a good day. school was good, for some reason lately i find it oddly satisfying. i guess i have already forgotten about summer's freedom. so i got an internship at the public defendres office of orange county, it sounds really good huh? excellent. i really am pretty excited, all the lawyers are young and seem really cool (and it is afterall what i want to do with my life.) i came home and i could tell that my family loved me. YAY! the "other" amnesty called me, uhhh...annoying but i am over it, i am too high to let him bring me down. my family left giving me a brief amount of time to dance and sing all alone throughout the whole house (not like i refrain when they are there but still.) oh and me and my dog danced and howled together. i wrote my essay (needs edit edit edit!!) and for the first time since freshmen year i was happy to write. oh la la la. i only am interning twice a week too! won't even cut into the schedule. eeekkk. i have to buy candy for the club...grocery store run.

*to my lj bitches and hos: you guys rock my world. love you*

1 ! back again?!?!

Monday, September 16th, 2002
2:32 pm - i dont want to be a player no more.
too much homework today, and too many tests this week. sarah is next to me right now teasing me about juan. and we managed to have two amnesty international clubs, one run by me and the other by a full out retarded boy. i am talking speech impediment, mumbling, has to look in his own palm pilot to get his own number type boy. (that palm pilot comment is not a joke, he really had to look in it to give me his #) too bad i couldn't have a somehwat normal person to join clubs with AHHHH!!!! oh well. i am getting over it. today i have to write an essay, find my dream man, make posters for club rush...and well a whole lot more. here i go.

*ps. theel i hope that it went well with jacobs parents.

2 ! back again?!?!

Thursday, September 12th, 2002
11:19 pm - so sue me.
ummm that whole finish the hw thing....right. well i never really thought i had that much math homework!

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